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Like, you know, Stephanie Meyer? Get it? [Mar. 25th, 2009|12:23 pm]
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Did you ever think about reading these books, but then thought:
"I don't really have the time/attention span/proper sort of pre-teen hormonal fascination with vampires"?
Now you can see what happens without taking an entire weekend of your life to wade through
approx. 4000 pages of descriptions on how pretty Edward is!
Read on.


Second Page, Cut for SPOILERZZZCollapse )


Not to step on any Twilight fan's indestructible vampiric toes. I did actually very much enjoy my weekend in Forks.
(as evidenced by my reading the entire series in a weekend)
It's just SO FUN to fun on it.


PS: I have NOT seen the movie yet. I will hit that up movie-rental-store style tewt sweeet.
Because I am the only person on earth who doesn't have freakin' Netflix.
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Comments:
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[User Picture]From: jaymarcy
2009-03-25 08:57 pm (UTC)

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Thank you. I shall never have to read or see this nonsense now...
[User Picture]From: 6cubed
2009-03-25 08:59 pm (UTC)

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everything you wrote is true
[User Picture]From: ebility
2009-03-25 09:01 pm (UTC)

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watch the movie. I didn't read the books because I got 15 pages in an started vomiting bad plot, but the movie is fucking hilare. pretty sure I actually remember one of the characters saying 'yeah, you watched me sleep for months on end... but it's okay 'cause you're hot.' which is essentially the redeeming factor of the film, besides some lovely trees and houses. by the way, if I had to go with no sleep, no sex, and no food for a hundred years, I'd be fucked up too.

shwiing!!!
[User Picture]From: spazmodic
2009-03-25 09:09 pm (UTC)

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i love that you perfectly described the series.

it's idiotic. but it's idiot to the point that it's amusing
the fact so many people love it adds to my insatiable curiosity
train wreck syndrome?

the movie is pure gold.
you should play a drinking game when you watch it. say, take a swig every time a long awkward stare happens
From: (Anonymous)
2009-03-25 09:22 pm (UTC)

that. was. AWESOME!

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It seriously saved me the trouble from opening up the next three books! I finished Twilight and couldn't help but feel 'dirty,' and like my taste for good literature had just fallen into the Raunchy Romance abyss.

The movie's good in terms of scenery and cinematography, and the Alice character! =) It also made me want to visit Washington.
[User Picture]From: megalosaurus
2009-03-25 09:53 pm (UTC)

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oh man. I have never been able to get through the books, but I find hearing about what happens in them to be completely hilarious.
you've read cleolinda's summaries of them right? because if you haven't, it's a real shame:
link here
From: beatnikspinster
2009-03-25 10:09 pm (UTC)

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This was hilarious! You've done me a great service. I was feeling tempted to read them, but now I am cured. Thank you!
[User Picture]From: daaakota
2009-03-25 10:21 pm (UTC)

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I haven't read it so I am not sure what is real and what is spoof in your summary. I hope the last part is spoof.
I am tempted to read it because I am still in Harry Potter withdrawals, and it was pretty fun to be having the universal experience where everyone is reading the same thing.

But I am intrigued by movie Edward. I can't tell if he is sexy or not. Sometimes he is, sometimes he's weird looking. He is weird-sexy.
From: (Anonymous)
2009-03-25 11:17 pm (UTC)

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It's all real.


And...and I don't think it'll be anything like the Harry Potter experience, unfortunately.
[User Picture]From: superlark
2009-03-25 10:26 pm (UTC)

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That was so brilliant, I need to save this forever.
[User Picture]From: allnerdreview
2009-03-25 10:45 pm (UTC)

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Here is why I refuse to get involved :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFG9lXc2upQ
[User Picture]From: __lys_fleurx__
2009-03-25 10:45 pm (UTC)

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The fact that you had the same "why can't I stop reading this?" reaction makes me feel less bad. Because I was so hooked, and yet, I knew how poorly written it was I just had to keep going!
[User Picture]From: brainparasite
2009-03-25 10:47 pm (UTC)

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hahahahahahahaha holy balls that is exactly what happens to you when you read the books/what happens IN the book.
I am glad I am not the only one who was like: Renesme? Seriously. You should not be allowed to have children.
[User Picture]From: green_wellies
2009-03-25 10:49 pm (UTC)

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yaaaaaaay!

i'm actually obsessively re-reading the books right now. all because i've seen the movie like... 4 times within the past 48 hours. i think i have a problem. haha. ugh.

i love your 16 frame rendition of the series. it made my day!
[User Picture]From: prosperina7
2009-03-26 12:21 am (UTC)

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lol I'm seriously compelled to reread them, too, but I don't have the money to buy them (I borrowed them the first time around) and the library didn't have them...I know because I checked on Monday...lol!
[User Picture]From: skullyflower
2009-03-25 11:16 pm (UTC)

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Thank you for the amusing cliff notes version. Now I don't have to get sucked into the suck of it all.
[User Picture]From: mizbelle
2009-03-25 11:34 pm (UTC)

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oh no :(
[User Picture]From: emberite
2009-03-25 11:37 pm (UTC)

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Your summary of "Breaking Dawn" is perfect. I only read about half the book. Once I found out her child's name was Renesmee, and then that Jacob imprinted on Renesmee, I pretty much stopped trying to convince myself to read every word. Although, give Stephenie Meyer credit for making every character have a happy ending and to have the most anti-climatic confrontation between good and evil.

If you are interested, Meyer's book "The Host" is actually a good read, and her writing is better (or at least not as annoying and drawn out).
[User Picture]From: casey_lou
2009-03-26 12:01 am (UTC)

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I experienced exactly the same thing. Was at the airport and picked up Twilight for laughs, and the next day, was mysteriously compelled to go get the next book. However, I never made it through New Moon. More power to you, you are a stronger woman than I.

Looooove the comics, as always.
[User Picture]From: prosperina7
2009-03-26 12:20 am (UTC)

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LMFAO Can I say how much I love this entire post...because it was exactly what happened to me...lol! I loved the concept of the first book and was completely sucked in from there but the rest of the series annoyed me...I just couldn't help but read the rest, though. It was oddly addictive. And yeah, seriously, what the hell was up with "Renesmee"? That alone...just...oy. Great concept lost in three unnecessary books.
[User Picture]From: wishcandy
2009-03-26 01:31 am (UTC)

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Haha, I thought the same thing about Renesmee. And I couldn't believe I had read all the books. But luckily I didn't buy them. I borrowed them :D
[User Picture]From: shoomlah
2009-03-26 12:35 am (UTC)

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HAHA. That is my EXACT REACTION to Twilight. I scoffed, read the book, could not believe it, promptly read the rest of the books in a matter of days. Cannot believe people think it is legitimately good, and not just teenage romance novel fodder, and yet at the same time... I only live a few hours from Forks and want nothing more than to go and visit La Push. AGH WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. D:

-C
[User Picture]From: novabat
2009-03-26 01:01 am (UTC)

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I asked a friend, "Does Bella really turn into a vampire at the end of the Twilight series? 'Cause that's... wow."
Her response was, "I'm not telling you! You'll have to read the books to find out."

It was at that point when I cried to the heavens in agony, "Noooo!"
[User Picture]From: jgkimmy
2009-03-26 01:08 am (UTC)

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LMAO Bloody brilliant, especially the birth part.
[User Picture]From: wishcandy
2009-03-26 01:30 am (UTC)

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That was incredibly accurate, and hilarious! XD I wish I never read the books. I picked up the first one when it was released, and continued reading them curious where it'd go. But the 2nd & 4th book were seriously the worst ever.

It's just scary how fast it got popular when i've read way more decent series.

Now I like to pretend the Twilight empire doesn't exist.

And lastly... i don't have a netflix either. And i don't wanna see the movie. >.o too much glitter in all the wrong places.
[User Picture]From: maelie
2009-03-26 01:53 am (UTC)

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Haaaaaaaaaaa! Love this!! :D

Have you read Cleolinda's play-by-play of the whole Twilight series? It is HILARIOUS and is the stuff of legend.

And then the whole "Growing Up Cullen" parody phenomenon. I tell you, it actually may be worth having Twilight around just for all the comedic values it provides. :D
[User Picture]From: xxxduckie
2009-03-26 02:29 am (UTC)

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I tried reading Twilight in the bookstore, way before, when my friends suggested it. Didn't like it.


My friend's cousin went up to him to ask him what he thought about Twilight--he said it's total crap. She says why, with all hurt and pain in her eyes, he says, he's entitled to his opinion and he thinks it is total bull. So hence, little girl retaliates with explanations. He comes back with How many books have you read?" She goes, "500" and he says "have you read the Vampire Chronicles?"




She went "No. What's that?"






FAIL. So the next week, he receives furious messages from that little girl's CLASS. A WHOLE CLASS. OF ANGRY LITTLE FANGIRLS.






----I REST MY CASE.
[User Picture]From: hitbycars
2009-03-26 03:07 am (UTC)

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In a literal sense, that exact same thing happened with Twilight and me, though I downloaded them illegally because pssh why would I spend money on horrible literature?
[User Picture]From: jaggedapple
2009-03-26 03:46 am (UTC)

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Yeah, this.

Also, I didn't actually read anything but Twilight. The other three were 'read' by getting the find feature on Preview to seek out every instance of the word 'Carlisle' and I read all of the worthwhile scenes that way.
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